Intervention : Addicted to Lava
by Axletia Rosonetis
Summary: Groudon gets addicted to lava, causing an intervention spoof to happen. Oneshot. Light orbshipping.


Intervention : Addiction to Lava

_Just one spoof of Intervention. Light orbshipping. Hehe..._

* * *

A day in Mount Olympceus. Groudon wasn't in the best mood. He had accidentally stomped some Dugtrio, smacked Giratina in the head, and had gotten in a petty argument with Kyogre.

So now he was sitting rather sluggishly with Heatran, who was Regigigas's drug-addicted girlfriend. She yawned. " So, Groudon, hon. Need some pretty paper to get your mind away from this place ? "

" Uh, I'm fine, Tran. "

" You're not that type of user ? " Heatran teased. " What about my Indian remedy ? You know, the green stuff ? "

" No...I'm good. "

" Okay. Opie ? "

" No. "

" MDMA ? "

_" No..."_

" Crack ? "

Groudon glared at the sloppy legendary. "_** NO ! "**_

Heatran huffed. " Fine. I know your time, Groudon, and boy, do I have something for you ! "

She waddled to a chest where she took out a frozen bag and a spoon. " Okay, buddy. This is for fire pokemon. I managed to turn Entei onto this. And Regigigas. This is purified lava ! "

" So ? I can make lava easily. "

Heatran grinned. " Of course you can, Groudon. But - does your lava have mixtures of beer, whiskey, vodka, drain clogger, two pills of Vicodin, and a half pill of asprin ? "

Groudon shrugged. " I don't think so..."

" Well, why don't you try it ? "

" Uh, 'cause you're always stoned...and I don't think Ky would like me doing it. "

Heatran gave an insane giggle. " Oh, screw that whale ! Have some _fuuun_ ! We're all cool ! "

The fire/ground type legendary sweatdropped. " Uh, do you know the side effects ? "

" Of course I don't ! I'm wasted, remember ? "

" Fine...but if I die...I'm coming back for you ! "

Heatran shrugged. " Whatever. Anyway, here's a spoon. You drink the lava out of it. Or, do you want a needle ? "

Having a phobia of needles, Groudon shook his head, causing a small earthquake. " No. Swallowing's good. "

He grabbed the spoon and poured some lava in it. As he drank it, his pupils became wide and dilated. He looked at his claws. " Whoa. My hand things are _huge_ ! Tranny, why haven't you told me this ? "

" I never noticed ! Those are cool ! And - and look at your tail ! "

Groudon looked at his tail. " Whoa ! That thing is huge ! It looks like it could be my twin or something ! Hey, can you give me some more of that lava ? "

" Sure ! Take what you need ! " Heatran said, giggling.

The legendary nodded as he swallowed the whole bottle. " Whoa, Tran ! That was good ! I'm going home now ! "

* * *

Two weeks later, Groudon was living in a dinky cave. He slurred as he drank out of a whiskey flask.

It had ended up with him having his own spot on Intervention. Kyogre had kicked him out of their apartment, Arceus had fired him, and now he was living as a vagabond with Entei. He grinned at the camera. " Hi ! My name is Groudon. G - R - O - U - D - O - N. I am a legendary. I'm...a pokemon. "

He threw up in a ditch. " Anyway, I'm on Intervention, but I don't know why. "

_(Groudon has been addicted to lava and alcohol for two weeks.)_

_**" THAT'S NOT TRUE ! "**_ Groudon roared.

_(And he has been denying it.)_

" Mewtwo ! I thought you were on my side ! "

Mewtwo shrugged. " Dude, I'm just the cameraman. I'm not on anyone's side. "

" Oh. Really ? "

-.- " You really are screwed up in the head ! "

Groudon rolled his eyes. " Whatever. Anyway, I've been living with Entei for the past week. "

_(Entei is also an addict.)_

" Why don't you just televise my life ?! "

" Uh, that's what we're doing right now, asshole. "

" Oh. "

* * *

Kyogre glared at the camera. " Hey. I'm Kyogre. I'm Kyogre's girlfriend. I blame Heatran for this entire problem. Usually Groudon just gets wasted when he's pissed off, but when he came back to our apartment two weeks ago, he punched the door. Oh, and stomped all over my garden. I got pissed off. "

She threw a vase with full force against the door. " So, he's better off without my help. I really don't care if he dies, either. "

_(Really ? Me, neither.)_

Arceus grunted. " Kyogre ! We're_ supposed_ to _help_ him, not let him die off ! "

" Oh, God, Arceus. Don't make this more difficult than what it already is ! He's a hippie now ! "

" Kyogr_eeee..._ "

Kyogre huffed. " Fine. But if he relapses, I'm kicking his ass ! "

_(Yay ! Jerry Springer !)_

_**" SHUT UP, MEWTWO ! "**_

Arceus sighed. " God, this is going to be one hell of an intervention. "

* * *

(With Groudon)

" Oops ! " Groudon said. " Entei, we need more nachoes ! "

_(Groudon had just crapped on the nachoes after smoking lava.)_

" Mewtwo, you are so annoying ! "

_(-.- Just doin' my job. )_

Groudon threw a vodka bottle against the camera. " I don't need you ! I don't need anybody ! I'm a legendary ! I can do whatever the (beep) I want ! "

* * *

(Pre - Intervention)

Giratina frowned. " Hey. I'm the interventionist. And since the producer has a really bad budget, he pays me to kick sense into homeless people. "

She sweatdropped as the only legendaries that were there were Kyogre, Arceus, Mewtwo, and Suicune. " Good gravy. I thought Groudon would have more friends. "

_(Nah, I'm just the cameraman. Only reason I come is because I'm getting paid.)_

O.o " Okay...and Suicune ? "

Suicune shrugged and licked a paw. " Eh, I didn't have anything better to do. "

Giratina mumbled something. " What about you, Arceus ? "

Arceus groaned. " Uh, I have to be here, 'cause I'm the head honcho. I didn't want to be here. "

Kyogre glared at Giratina. " I'm his girlfriend. I really just rather have him die, though. Or go to prison. "

_**" Kyogre ! "**_ Arceus growled.

" Oh, shut up, Arceus. Just shut your trap. "

Giratina sighed as she cleaned her glasses. " Okay, then. We're not getting any further. " Don't any of you care about Groudon ?! "

(Everyone except Kyogre) " No, not really. "

(Kyogre) " I have a _very_ weak tolerance level. "

" Fine. I guess we can just lie, then. "

* * *

(Intervention)

_(Groudon thinks he's going to Old Country Buffet.)_

" Woo - hoo ! I'm gonna get soooo waste- _**WHAT THE F--K ?! "**_

There on the couch sat Kyogre, Arceus, Suicune, and Giratina. Groudon gave a loud moan. " Great. What the hell do you guys want ?! "

Kyogre slapped him in the face. " You son of a _bitch_ ! Evil hippie vagabond ! "

Giratina cursed under her breath. " Uh, Groudon. We're worried about you. "

" Not really, " Suicune muttered. " It's just that if you continue your way of destruction, you will be as hairy and filthy as Entei, and as ugly as Heatran or...Regigigas. "

" I'm already ugly ! " Groudon snapped.

Arceus muttered under his breath. " You know what ?! I really don't give a damn. "

Kyogre rolled his eyes. " Groudon, you're not ugly. You're just deformed. Go to rehab. _**GET A JOB ! "**_

" Uh, you sure, Ky ? "

" Uh, yeah. You smell like cat pee. "

" Oh. Well, fine. I'll go to rehab, then ! Bye, bitches ! "

-poof to rehab!-

Kyogre sweatdropped. " Dumb, dumb, son of a bitch. I may like him, but he better get a job. Rent's almost due. "

* * *

(Three months later...)

Groudon grinned. " I'm totally sober now. I'm off the crap. I only know one thing that I have learned - stay far,far, FAR away from Heatran and that my number one thing to get wasted on is vodka. Also to try that pretty paper sometime. Hehehe..."

He kissed Kyogre on the cheek (she has a cheek?!). She slapped him into the wall. " I'm still pissed off at you. But...that was a good gesture. And...I guess we can go for Old Country Buffet later tonight. "

Groudon groaned and felt his head. He gave a small smile. " Okay...good. Ow. "

* * *

(Epilogue)

_(Groudon stopped drinking lava, but two weeks later got a D.U.I. for public intoxication on vodka -and PCP-. Kyogre still forgave him, though he almost burnt down Old Country Buffet. So...yeah.)_

End


End file.
